I’m glad to be home again 3 months later. Boy, I do really miss everything about home!! The weekend is so short… in fact, too short for me to take in everything at home in one breath. It’s hard not to slow down and enjoy home and everyone, everything in it. I feel as if I’m running at top speed and not allowed to stop. At the end of the race, I find myself exhausted and very much unwilling to leave home again.

He looks much better than the last time I last saw him which was nearly a month ago. I hope I’m not hallucinating. When modern medicine and science tells you there is nothing they can do, it is actually up to you to whether to allow that to be translated into “hopelessness”. I felt helpless and hopeless alright especially during the birth of the bad news. Yet I couldn’t quite determine if he felt the same. I wouldn’t say he gave up totally. But he isn’t trying very hard either. So when the professionals tell you that you’ve come to the end of the road, the least you can do is to pave a new path to walk on even when you’re not sure if it’s safe or if it’s even leading to anywhere. What I’m sure is that I’ll definitely break if I stand there doing nothing and surrender to fate.

Not hallucination, I guess. He definitely looks better than the last time I talked to him, trying to hold back the current of tears stinging in my eyes. I told him what he can do now is to eat well, rest well, pray a lot in the hope that his strength will return. Then perhaps the doctors will consider giving it another try, another chance, another hope. He nodded each time I said that. If he’s truly trying, I pray that he’s trying his very best. There’s one thing he doesn’t know and which I haven’t told him - I want to give him a good life and that could happen by next year when I start to earn my first real cash. I need that chance. A chance of him to be around and me giving out all of my love.

In times like this, leaving home stirs a lot of guilt in me. I wish I can be around but I can’t. I wish I can slow down and go smell flowers with him but I can’t. All I can do at a distance is to pray. A miracle will be the best, but if that’s not the case I only hope that he can be happier and free.