Just another funny Ah Beng Ah Lian story that arrived in my inbox…

Ah Lian called big brother Ah Beng over the telephone.
Lian: “Ah Beng kor, I can’t get my new jig saw puzzle fixed, mah-chiam all the edges cannot fix together, lah.”

Ah Beng examines the puzzle and says, “Si ghee na, si bay gong, put back the corn flakes into the box, lah.”

Saw this at a friend’s blog. Thought it was rather funny…

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful …
CAREFUL!! Put in some more butter!! Oh my Gosh!! You’re cooking
too many at once. TOO MANY!!
Turn them!! TURN THEM NOW!! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh!!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?! They’re going to STICK!!
Careful…
CAREFUL!! I said be CAREFUL!! You NEVER listen to me when you’re
cooking! Never!! Turn them! HURRY UP!! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost
your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always
forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it
feels like when I’m driving”.

An astounding mail in my inbox:

For all you scientists out there and for all the students who have had a hard time convincing these people regarding the truth of the Bible here’s something that illustrates God’s awesome creation and shows He is still in control.

Did you know that NASA’s space programmers are busy proving that was has been called ‘myth’ in the Bible is true? Mr. Harold Hill, President of the Curtis Engine Company in Baltimore, and a consultant in the space programmes, relates the following incident:

One of the most amazing things that God has for us today happened recently to our astronauts and space scientists at Green Belt, Maryland. They were checking out the positions of the sun, moon and planets out in space where they would be 100, and 1000 years from now. We have to know this as we do not want a satellite to collide with any of these in its orbits. We have to lay out the orbits in terms of the life of the satellite and where the planets will be so the whole project will not bog down. Computer measurements and data were run back and forth over the centuries when suddenly it came to a halt, displaying a red signal, which meant that either there was something wrong with the information fed into it or with the results as compared to the standards. They called in the service department to check it out, and the technicians asked what was wrong.

The scientists had discovered that somewhere in space in elapsed time a day was missing. Nobody seemed able to come up with a solution to the problem. Finally one of the team, a Christian, said: “You know, when I was still in Sunday School, they spoke about the sun standing still…….”

While his colleagues didn’t believe him, they did not have an answer either, so they said: “Show us.” He got a Bible and opened it at the book of Joshua where they found a pretty ridiculous statement for any one with ‘common sense’. There they read about the Lord saying to Joshua: “Fear them not, I have delivered them into thy hand; there shall not be a man of them stands before thee.” (Joshua 10:8).

Joshua was concerned because the enemy had surrounded him, and if darkness fell, they would overpower him. So Joshua asked the Lord to make the sun stand still! That’s right ­ “And the sun stood still and the moon stayed, until the people had avenged themselves upon their enemies. Is this not written in the book of Ja’­sher? So the sun stood still in the midst of heaven and hastened not to go down about a whole day.” (Joshua 10:13).

The astronauts and scientists said: “There is the missing day!” They checked the computers going back into the time it was written and found it, but it was not close enough. The elapsed time that was missing back in Joshua’s day was 23 hours and 20 minutes ­ not a whole day. They read the Bible again and there it was: “about (approximately) a day.” These little words in the Bible were important, but they were still in trouble, because another 40 minutes were still unaccounted for, and this could mean trouble 1000 years from now. Forty minutes had to be found because it can be multiplied many times over in orbits.

As the Christian employee thought about it, he remembered somewhere in the Bible which said the sun went backwards. The scientists told him he was out of his mind, but once again they opened the Book and read these words in 2 Kings.

Hezekiah, on his deathbed, was visited by the prophet, Isaiah, who told him he was not going to die. Hezekiah asked for some sign as proof. Isaiah said: “Shall the sun go forward ten degrees, or go back ten degrees?” And Hezekiah answered: “It is a light thing for the shadow to go down ten degrees; nay, but let the shadow return backwards ten degrees.” And Isaiah the prophet cried unto the Lord, and He brought the shadow ten degrees backward, by which it had gone down in the dial of Ahaz.” (2 Kings 20:9 ­11).

Ten degrees is exactly 40 minutes! Twenty-three hours and twenty minutes in Joshua, plus 40 minutes in 2 Kings accounted for the missing day in the universe!

Isn’t this amazing? Our God is rubbing their noses in His Truth!

Rules for the World Cup
Extremely important advice and recommendations to be passed on to wives, girlfriends, fiancés, mothers, sisters, daughters, etc. (to all women in general) These rules are to be communicated prior to the World Cup in June/July this year…

LIST OF RULES

1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor….it wont happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say “get over it, its only a game”, or “don’t worry, they’ll win next time”. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called “words of encouragement” will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying “one” game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to “spend time together”.

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen this…why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch??”, the reply will be: “Refer to Rule #2 of this list”.

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as “Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years”. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, etc etc.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Regards,
Men of the World

Saw this in my inbox…

The article ends with “The moral of the story: Don’t work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.”

How ironic. 23 other workers in the room, and nobody noticed that George didn’t move for the past 5 days. If they didn’t notice his movements, what about the stench of a dead body? Or perhaps, they all had blocked noses…

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you’re on…

Come to the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses…

WATER FREELY WITH PATIENCE AND CULTIVATE WITH LOVE.
THERE IS MUCH FRUIT IN YOUR GARDEN BECAUSE YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.

This arrived at my inbox yesterday…

From: A
To: Jellio’
Date: Jan 4, 2006 1:05 PM
Subject: Fwd: FW: Charles Schultz Philosophy

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” (Charles Schultz)

Just a week before Christmas I had a visitor. This is how it happened. I had just finished the household chores for the night and was preparing to go to bed, when I heard a noise in the front of the house. I opened the door to the front room, and to my surprise, Santa himself stepped out from behind the Christmas tree. He placed his finger over his mouth so I would not cry out.

“What are you doing?” I started to ask.

The words choked up in my throat, and I saw that he had tears in his eyes. His usual jolly manner was gone. Gone was the eager, boisterous soul we all know. He then answered me with a simple statement: “TEACH THE CHILDREN!”

I was puzzled, what did he mean?

He anticipated my question, and with one quick movement brought forth a miniature toy bag from behind the tree. As I stood bewildered, Santa said, “Teach the children. Teach them the real meaning of Christmas. The meaning of Christmas that nowadays has been forgotten.”

Santa then reached in his bag and pulled out a FIR TREE and placed it before the mantle. Teach the children that the pure green color of the stately fir tree remains green all year round, depicting the everlasting hope of mankind. All the needles point Heavenward, making it a symbol of man’s thoughts turning toward Heaven.

He again reached into his bag and pulled out a brilliant STAR. Teach the children that the star was the Heavenly sign of promises long ago. God promised a Savior for the world, and the star was the sign of the fulfillment of His promise.

He then reached into his bag and pulled out a CANDLE. Teach the children that the candle symbolizes that Christ is the light of the world, and when we see this great light, we are reminded of He who displaces the darkness.

Once again he reached into his bag and removed a WREATH and placed it on the tree. Teach the children that the wreath symbolizes the real nature of love Christ showed for us. Real love never ceases. Love is one continuous round of affection.

He then pulled from his bag an ornament of HIMSELF. Teach the children that I, Santa Claus, symbolize the generosity and good will we feel during the month of December.

He then brought out a HOLLY LEAF. Teach the children that the holly plant represents immortality. It represents the crown of thorns worn by our Savior. The red holly berries represent the blood that He shed for us.

Next he pulled from his bag a GIFT and said, “Teach the children that God so loved the world that whoever believes in Him shall have everlasting life.” (John 3:16) Thanks be to God for His unspeakable gift. Teach the children that the wise men bowed before the Holy Babe and presented Him with gold, frankincense and myrrh. We should always give gifts in the same spirit
of the wise men.

Santa then reached in his bag and pulled out a CANDY CANE and hung it on the tree. Teach the children that the candy cane represents the shepherd’s crook. The crook on the staff helps to bring strayed sheep back to the flock. The candy cane is the symbol that we are our brother’s keeper.

He reached in again and pulled out an ANGEL. Teach the children that it was the angels that heralded the glorious news of the Savior’s birth. The angels sang “Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace to men of good will.”

Suddenly I heard a soft tinkling sound, and from his bag he pulled out a BELL. Teach the children that as the lost sheep are found by the sound of the bell, it should bring mankind to the fold. The bell symbolizes guidance and return.

Santa looked around and was pleased. He looked back at me and I saw that the twinkle was back in his eyes. He said, “Remember, TEACH THE CHILDREN the true meaning of Christmas and do not put me in the center for I am but a humble servant of the One that is, and I bow down to worship Him, Our Lord, Our God, and Savior.”