I started playing the guitar in Form 1. The first tune I played on the guitar was “Mary had a little lamb” and the first song I learnt was an old Christian song that went “King of Kings, and Lord of Lord’s Glory, Hallelujah…” There was only 2 chords throughout the entire song, which were Am and E. Since then, I was hooked.

My friend gave me his old guitar, on which I faithfully practiced on during my freetime, and soon, I had managed to learn the basic chords. To actually succeed in playing the F bar chord properly, I practiced for months. I begged my mum to send me to guitar lessons, but she refused as she preferred me to focus on playing the piano (which I wasn’t very interested in at that time). Anyway, I decided that I had no choice but to self-learn.

Many books and online tabs later, I finally had the chance to take lessons on how to play the acoustic guitar and electric guitar during my two years in Form 6. My teacher sifu was really one heck of a player, and I did and always will admire his playing skills. If it was not for having to further my studies in KL, I would have loved to learn more from him. He introduced me to many wonderfu guitar songs by Joe Satriani, Vinnie Moore, Eric Johnson, Steve Vai, Van Halen, Led Zepplin, Dream Theatre etc.

Sad to say, once in medical school, I did not have much time to pursue this hobby of mine due to logistics (shared hostel room and lack of equipments), time (tons of crap to study) and stamina (perpetual sleepiness due to the medical school syndrome). Now that I’m in final year, I have even less time in my hands (perhaps it’s due to poor time management) to indulge in such activities that whenever I have any free time, I would just feel like collapsing into a deep coma to run away from the forever growing pile of backlog work and studies.

Nevertheless, my love for the guitar was rekindled recently, when a friend of mine led me to discover a video of some guy playing a rocked up version of Canon in D, recorded via a videocam or something. It’s been so long since I’ve been really hooked on a song, and now, this Canon Rock tune has been burnt into my head and seems to be playing internally round the clock. On top of that, CN- is also addicted to the song, and plays it repeatedly on her stereo EVERYDAY. As the wall separating our rooms is paper thin, I would end up listening to the song whenever she does.

All the more reason why I just had to find the tabs for the song. After shrinking the font to a printable size, the tabs were 14 pages long. I would like to dream that I will be able to play the song someday, but as for now, one very glaring fact that’s thrown right into my face is that my fingers are damn rusty and I am so out of practice. Sigh. I wish I could borrow Doraemon’s Time Stopping Cloth and put medical school on hold for awhile so that I can learn up the song…

To those who are interested, go to YouTube and type Canon Rock, JerryC or Funtwo and watch the videos.

I’m glad to be home again 3 months later. Boy, I do really miss everything about home!! The weekend is so short… in fact, too short for me to take in everything at home in one breath. It’s hard not to slow down and enjoy home and everyone, everything in it. I feel as if I’m running at top speed and not allowed to stop. At the end of the race, I find myself exhausted and very much unwilling to leave home again.

He looks much better than the last time I last saw him which was nearly a month ago. I hope I’m not hallucinating. When modern medicine and science tells you there is nothing they can do, it is actually up to you to whether to allow that to be translated into “hopelessness”. I felt helpless and hopeless alright especially during the birth of the bad news. Yet I couldn’t quite determine if he felt the same. I wouldn’t say he gave up totally. But he isn’t trying very hard either. So when the professionals tell you that you’ve come to the end of the road, the least you can do is to pave a new path to walk on even when you’re not sure if it’s safe or if it’s even leading to anywhere. What I’m sure is that I’ll definitely break if I stand there doing nothing and surrender to fate.

Not hallucination, I guess. He definitely looks better than the last time I talked to him, trying to hold back the current of tears stinging in my eyes. I told him what he can do now is to eat well, rest well, pray a lot in the hope that his strength will return. Then perhaps the doctors will consider giving it another try, another chance, another hope. He nodded each time I said that. If he’s truly trying, I pray that he’s trying his very best. There’s one thing he doesn’t know and which I haven’t told him - I want to give him a good life and that could happen by next year when I start to earn my first real cash. I need that chance. A chance of him to be around and me giving out all of my love.

In times like this, leaving home stirs a lot of guilt in me. I wish I can be around but I can’t. I wish I can slow down and go smell flowers with him but I can’t. All I can do at a distance is to pray. A miracle will be the best, but if that’s not the case I only hope that he can be happier and free.

Back in my high school days, there was this craze of folding small rectangular sheets of paper into triangular-shaped pieces, to assemble and form various beautiful origami swans. Examples of these origami swans are as below.

Beautiful, aren’t they?

Anyway, as my friends were all so hyped-up about these swans, I decided to join the bandwagon. I bought a packet of small rectangular blue papers and started folding them into many small triangular-shaped pieces. I then started assembling them together to form the base of the swan. However, the more pieces i assembled to my work-of-art, the more I realised that it looked nothing like a swan. In the end, I decided to shape it into something else…

This CNY is perhaps one of the very best in my 23 years of life. I enjoyed myself in all the usual CNY activities i.e. stuffing myself with loads of goodies and delicacies, drink myself silly but not too much, catch up and hang out with friends I haven’t seen or kept in touch with since Stone Age, spend time with family and relatives, admiring countless fireworks display in the night, dress up in my new year clothes and go house visiting, collect buckets and buckets of red packets, money counting at the end of each day, and many many many more.

All that makes a pleasant and enjoyable CNY. But these makes it better and then the best…

I was eating and feeling like I was gonna burst - It means I could chew and the food was going down my alimentary tract so smoothly without rejection. It means my appetite has returned. It means I’ve gotten well.

I was drinking and enjoying the taste of alcohol in my mouth and its effect over my body - It means I’m healthy and able to indulge in occasional shots of alcohol. It means I’m not abstaining from alcoholic beverages because I’m on medication which effects can be potentiated by alcohol. It means I’m lucky, at least for now.

I was meeting and having fun with friends and relatives whom I haven’t seen for a long time - It means I’m less reminded by my own pain that I’m actually enjoying other people’s company and wanting more of it. It means I’ve somewhat broken free from my own invisible enclosure and socializing easily like the old, original CN-.

I was spending an enormous amount of my time with my family and relatives, and enjoying every minute of it - It means I still care for my family and they are now the love of my life.

I enjoyed dressing up, go house visiting and collecting red packets - Not so much of vanity. Not so much of money mindedness. It means I’m truly able to have fun again. And smile from my heart after what seems like ages.

I’ve lost so much. Yet I didn’t realise I actually have so much in the first place and gained much more along the road. Indeed, I’m fortunate.

Happy Chinese New Year to all of you! May God bless you with a wonderful year ahead with lots of love, peace, happiness and good health

I always thought of Disneyland as a place for kids, of things I left behind many moons ago. Well, I did grow up watching Disney cartoons and all but that was a thing of the past. My grandmother as well as my mum have always been wanting to bring us kids to Disneyland. However, due to the distance (USA) and cost, the trip was never materialised.

Now that Disneyland has finally arrived in Hong Kong since last September, my mum suggested that we pay a visit to the fantasyland of our childhood days. I was pretty neutral about the whole idea, as being 23 years old, the thought of meeting Mickey, Minnie, Donald and Daisy was not as appealing as it had been 10 years ago.

Nevertheless, since we were already in Hong Kong to visit a sick relative, we decided that we should finally make that trip. We set out really early and arrived at the gates of DL before it was even opened. Lo and behold, there was a long crowd queueing up to enter. (And to think that I thought we were the kiasu ones)

At the entrance, we were greeted with this signboard which said…

Below are some snapshots taken…

Sleeping beauty’s castle

The live band playing famous Disney songs

Cinderella’s carousel

There were tons of Disney products on sale, including those customized for Chinese New Year

Unfortunately, it was rather cloudy and rainy the entire day, which spoilt the atmosphere a little I guess. When the Disney on Parade commenced at 3.30 pm, the rain was at its heaviest. Tons of people swarmed the shops to buy Disney umbrellas and raincoat.

Disney on Parade, in the rain

A family wearing Mickey raincoats

Minnie mouse being shaded by two umbrellas

After all that rain, I was fed up. I told my mum that we might as well leave early. However, just as we were about to make a move, the rain started pouring again. We took shelter at a hut in Adventureland and ended up watching the Festival of the Lion King, which was somewhat like a musical. It was a good thing we stayed for that, as it was probably the best performance of the day.

By 7 pm, everyone was gathered at Main Street USA, outside the castle to watch “Disney in the Stars” (fireworks) which was the grand finale before the park closed. Even though the rain and wind blew the fireworks off course, rendering them to be asymmetrical, the music and the overall impact was just undescribable. Everyone was simply mesmerized by the amazing sight. I almost cried as I recalled those carefree days, watching Disney cartoons and playing all day. I secretly wished that I could be a kid again, with less worries and stress….

Anyway, rain and all, it was a trully magical ending to magical day. I was glad that I finally visited Disneyland…

It’s not that I do not want you to ride the motorbike or drive the car to buy papers in the morning.
It’s because your daily medicine affects your alertness and ability to focus or react. As much as I do not want you to die of cancer, I also do not want you to die on the streets. Plus, I do not wish others to die because of you.

It’s not that I do not want to let you walk to the nearby coffee shop all by yourself.
It’s because you’re still weak and dizzy it’s dangerous for you to use the road. I fear for your safety and that of others too.

It’s not that I do not want you to spend too much time outdoors.
It’s because chemotherapy renders yours immunity low. With a low white blood cell count, you could easily catch an infection which may be mild but too hard for your weakened system to fight against.

It’s not that I refused to let you paint the house gate at noon and in the late afternoon.
It’s because your skin is peeling and baking under the sun will doyou more harm than good.

It’s not that I have a sickening intention to keep you imprisoned.
It’s because that you need lots of rest and good food to regain the strength to fight the odds. Once you are better I’ll be all the more glad to let you you go out and run, and maybe fly.

It’s not that I do not want to let you eat beef curry or the seafood served in the party.
It’s because your doctor gave strict orders not to let you take oily and high cholesterol food.

It’s not that I do not want to help you wash your dishes, fetch your mug or switch on the lights for you.
It’s because I think you should learn to be independent and that you could use some simple daily function exercise especially after you complained about not moving around much for the entire day.

It’s not that I do not want to talk to you when I’m upset or angry.
It’s because I want to avoid saying things that might hurt you in a moment of fury. I believe that when you have nothing better to say, do not say anything at all.

It’s not that I do not wish to smile.
It’s because I myself have not quite healed. Your problem has been OUR problem. Yet you are not aware of MY own problem that left me so broken I need time to stand up again.

It’s not that I think you are a burden or that our current situation is a curse.
It’s not that I think God is mistreating us.

It’s just that I’m a human too and I need my private space and time to piece up the broken me.
The broken me is perhaps, not important at all. But you are.
All I’m asking for is your understanding and cooperation to help me help you recover.

Today he cried. His eyes went red and there were tears. The words choked in his throat and soon his nose was blocked too.

This is the first time I see him cry.

I don’t know what is the real reason, or reasons. Perhaps I was one of the causes of his tears. Yet when I saw the brokeness I wasn’t able to feel anything. There was no sympathy. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t sorry. I wasn’t moved.

I found myself sitting in my own world of nothingness and emptiness refusing to budge one inch because I’m awfully tired and perhaps, a little angry. And I wonder if I can ever tell him that I’m suffering too.

Just when I thought I can do this on my own and reach the end of the path a healed and renewed soul, another bombshell HAS to fall upon me and crush me down. Like the previous ones it left me paralysed and dazed.

To all bombshells that have somehow managed to burn me as well as the impending ones out there lurking in the dark waiting for the perfect time to destroy me : You can dream on coz I’m fighting you. Each and everyone of you.

:(

Please pray for my Dad. Thanks…

Hey Blog and Readers!

I’m back =) Yeah, I guess it’s time to bounce back to life after such a long break from everything. I’m ready for a brand new but preferably quiet startover. Lots have happened over the past few months. Most are heartbreaking but in the midst of it all, I see true friends, witness the value of family love, discover the hidden beauty of the medical profession and most of all… experience the miracles of God’s healing hands. I fell, was shattered yet I survived it all - and that is the best miracle of all.

It’s unnecessary now to dig up the past and review it. If I continue to dwell in the past I might lose the present and my future. I don’t need more regrets and heartaches to “spice” up my life. Memories may still hurt like hell but I’ve learnt not to erase them but to face them each day. Soon, peace shall replace pain and smiles will take over the tears. Perhaps I may still fall in this journey that has yet come to an end but on a brighter note, I’m done with the first quarter of it. Like Jellio’ used to tell me… life will be less tedious if we believe in the half-filled glass instead of the half-empty one.

*breathe*

At least breathing doesn’t hurt like before. That’s a good start, isn’t it?

Yeah… CN- continues to walk =D